Everybody believes in a certain self-image. It’s been built up over the years, a combination of social persuasion and basic self-interest.
Don’t touch that, don’t eat that, eat this, don’t climb that, sit down, face forward, four on the floor, hands on your knees, listen to the teacher.
Society has indoctrinated you into its rules to the point where 90% of your thinking is based on these patterns rather than any conscious decisions you’re making. You are literally hypnotized to be a (hopefully) productive member of society at the expense of all sorts of other thoughts. Born into a Democratic household? You will be too (probably). Religious? You too.
Somewhere along the way, between vague memories of playground bullying and that one girl in 6th grade you liked turning you down, you may have internalized a self-image that isn’t very good with women.
You may have internalized the belief that you shouldn’t talk to strangers… especially not attractive ones.
You may have internalized the belief that you should be kind to women and work hard to impress them.
And as a result, the way in which you interact with women doesn’t lead to steamy shower sex or even club makeouts.
Nobody is capable of doing things which their self-image does not allow.
I’m fascinated by our dream bodies. When do changes to our self-image manifest in the dream world? How long after getting a tattoo done, for example, until the tattoo shows up on your body in your dreams. What about fighting? I used to feel like I was moving underwater in dream fights, my fists moving agonizingly slowly to the point I was sure I would lose the fight. All because my own self-image was that of someone who couldn’t win a fight. Similarly, when I would encounter a girl I liked in my dreams, I would inevitably either wake up before kissing her or mess things up some other way. My dream body was reflecting my own self-beliefs. Because I imagined myself to be a poor fighter and poor with women, I made it so in my dreams.
But after working on my Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and kickboxing for a couple years, as my own self-perceived proficiency with fighting increased, I started winning fights in my dreams as well.
And after years of pickup and the reference experiences I’ve had having success with women, my dream self became competent as well.
When you imagine yourself talking to a hypothetical beautiful woman, how do you see it going? Where are you? A bar? Social gathering? In a cafe? How do you see her reacting? With disgust? Anxiety? What about your own actions? Do you bumble around and forget how to speak? Or are you able to get your point across simply? Do you see you and her leaving the venue together, going towards your house or hers and getting sexual? Or do you see her forcing an awkward smile and waving goodbye at you?
How you see yourself interacting in hypothetical or dream situations is a reflection of your own self-assessed proficiency.
Ironically, “game” is all about gaming yourself, so all you really need to do to succeed at it is:
- Change your self-image to that of someone to whom women react positively
- Take lots of action
As an exercise, try spending 5 minutes a day (it can be on a train commute, in your bed, or anywhere really) visualizing women reacting positively to your approaches.
Imagine them bored out of their minds, wishing someone would come talk to them. Imagine that cute girl over there has JUST broken up with her boyfriend and is in need of some new dude in her life. Imagine her smiling as you say something silly, even stupid, like, “Hey, I wanted to say hi.” Maybe she has a fleck of food in her teeth in an impromptu but cute way. A strand of hair falling across her face. She has tags dangling from her purse. And maybe a dog hair or two on her sweater. The more VIVID the visualization, the more effective.
People are bustling by past the two of you, but she’s stopped and accepted your approach for now, twirling her hair slightly and looking at you to see what your next move will be. And what IS your next move? It’s your imagination after all, and she’s ready.
Gradually as you imagine and start to actually expect positive responses from women, your
subcommunications will mirror this and the actual responses you get will improve.
On a cold approach, the woman has to quickly determine whether you:
- Are not a killer or rapist
- Are normal and hygenic
- Believe in what you are saying (speak with conviction)
- Are respected and treated well by others (especially women)
If you approach believing you will be rejected (perhaps because this is what has been happening to you all day or all your life) the manner in which you approach will, like a beaten dog with its tail between its legs, convey all your previous failures through the subtleties of your posture, inflection, and facial expressions.
However, if you approach with a borderline delusional self-belief, you might be shocked at the sheer quantity of women who will open and chat with you. Your own self-assured opener, buttressed by the myriad reference experiences of success you’ve had (either real or visualized, as in the previous exercise) will convince the woman that you are someone to pay attention to, respond to, and follow.
In this way, the rich get richer and the poor get poorer. Those with positive reference experiences are able to leverage that into further success because they have “seen the promised land” and know it’s possible. In other words, their self-image and belief system is working FOR them.
As a beginner, however, you have to work AGAINST those beliefs — the ones which say because of X or Y fixed characteristic or perceived physical or personality flaw (you’re too short, bald, fat, not enough Japanese, not social enough) you are doomed to failure with women. At first, you should accept the small wins with a sense of proud surprise.
“She didn’t run away when I talked to her!” (Maybe I’m not horrifying after all!)
“She actually stopped and talked with me for 5 minutes!” (Maybe I’m actually kinda cool!)
“She actually gave me her number!” (Wow either she wanted to get rid of me or I actually made a connection with her!)
“She actually agreed to come on this instadate to get a coffee!” (Ok, by this point I must be doing something right!”
As these small wins gradually increase in quality (bringing the woman further down the “pipeline” or interaction) and quantity (it’s easier to do something frequently when you KNOW you have a solid chance of succeeding or even “besting” your previous score), your self-image will start to align with this new belief – that game is a mental skill that anyone can learn and apply to improve their dating life.
In the end it doesn’t matter whether you hypnotize yourself to be good at game or build real-life reference experiences which prove you’re good at game over a long time – either way the result is the same. You can build a positive, upwards cycle of reinforcing beliefs based on your own self-image and your direct action to the point where “winning” is automatic and “losing” is a nothing more than a bad choice of beliefs.
The important part here is understanding that your belief – whatever it is – shapes your results. In fact, achieving the direct results of a belief is automatic and you will achieve them whether you want to or not!
“You must learn to trust your Creative Mechanism to do its work and not “jam it” by becoming too concerned or too anxious as to whether it will work or not, or by attempting to force it by too much conscious effort. You must “let it” work, rather than “make it” work. This trust is necessary because your Creative Mechanism operates below the level of consciousness, and you cannot “know” what is going on beneath the surface. Moreover, its nature is to operate spontaneously according to present need. Therefore, you have no guarantees in advance. It comes into operation as you act and as you place a demand on it by your actions. You must not wait to act until you have proof—you must act as if it is there, and it will come through. “Do the thing and you will have the power,” said Emerson.”
-Maxwell Maltz, Psycho-Cybernetics
Everybody is hypnotized by something. You just have to pick your thing consciously rather than let it be picked for you.
