How to Build Confidence and Learn Game Like a Boss

Are you having trouble getting started? Not sure what the expectations are or the best way to go forward? How does one even become confident around women? Sit back and grab some tea and a cookie because Dr. Sinapse has a dose of the bitter medicine for you. Here are my steps to build confidence and learn the game like a boss:

1. Destroy and Overcome the Negative/Inactive Spiral

Guys typically don’t take action for a few main reasons:

1. They don’t think it works (period… like for anyone. These types of guys usually think everything comes down to money, looks, and destiny and there’s zero “skill” involved)
2. They don’t think it will work for them (usually due to one or a few specific fixed characteristics about themselves – for example, their height, lack of Japanese ability, race, wealth, looks, etc)

If you believe in #1, go watch some (legitimate) infield of someone pulling.

But I’m guessing that my audience here (at least the inactive ones) primarily think about #2. Step 1 is NAME your fears. Call out specifically, with descriptive words and detail, what exactly you think is holding you back. Your bald spot? Your small frame? Your race?

Come up with a specific sentence and verbalize it, or write it down. For example:

“I’m afraid that I can’t get the top tier women because those women are only into guys who are tall.”

Once you’ve named your fears you can go about smashing these silly little beliefs.

I guarantee you I know someone who is “worse” or more disadvantageous than you in whatever category you can name who is currently CRUSHING the game.

In other words, your excuse is preventing you from starting. It is a FICTION that you tell yourself, not a reality.

NOW since there’s a lot of misinformation and marketing around game, I’d like to add a simple caveat. Your genetics DO matter. Anybody who says they don’t is full of shit. You may never be LeBron but you CAN stunt and ball out all over everybody on any blacktop across the country  and you can ALWAYS do way better than you currently are. And if you work your ass of you might just become Allen Iverson – that exception to the rule who overcomes certain genetics (short stature) and still kicks ass. But even if you don’t outwork the naturally gifted, you’ll still do way better than you are currently doing.

“Hard work beats talent when talent doesn’t work hard”

In other words — try not to compare yourself to the RESULTS of other people. But DO compare your EFFORT and MINDSET to theirs.

NOW: to ACTUALLY go about destroying the negative mental thought patterns.

Are you in a negative spiral?

Feel shame, fear, lack of confidence, anxiety, etc?

Troubled by lack of competence and your own results?

Don’t believe in your ability to attract women?

NAME your fears

Once you realize them, you can minimize them.

Discover ways in which you tell yourself a self-defeating narrative (note: it’s NOT the truth, it’s a narrative you tell yourself) in your own mind. Keep in mind these narratives pop up when you are thinking about taking action (such as when you see a pretty girl in front of you who snaps you out of your daily reverie). Here are some of the most common examples, although this list is not nearly exhaustive:

Rehashing old failures and assuming you will have the same result if you try again (Why even leave the house, I’m just going to get ignored/rejected again)

Unrealistic expectations (instant success or getting 9s and 10s immediately)

Overly focusing on obstacles (she’s too far, there’s no time, she’s with a guy/girl/group/mom/dad, she is on the phone, etc)

Perfectionism (I should wait for X to approach, I should make my approach smooth, silky, and casual, I should plan the most glamorous date to “wow” her, etc)

Lack of experience (it’s “too late” for me, I missed the boat, I’m way behind)

Focus on fixed characteristics rather than on GROWTH (I’m too XYZ to succeed. Everybody who has success is ABC.)

Spotlight effect (What will those people think of me if I talk to her? I should respect the culture because I’m a guest here)

Fear of rejection itself (What if she doesn’t like me? What if I’m not good enough? No cute girls are ever into me)

Effort aversion (It seems like it would take a lot of hard work to get good. I don’t have the time [you always have time for what is important to you]. She’s so far away, I’ll get the next one.)

Remember that whenever your brain tells you these stories, it’s trying to protect you from the dangers of the world which no longer exist. Nobody will kill you for speaking to a woman on the street. There are no lions waiting to eat you around the corner from that Kyabajo.

You mind is NOT your friend. In fact, it will usually try to sabotage you at every turn. You BEST weapon against this?

AUTOMATIC action.

Get your feet moving before your mind has a chance to sneak in and wormtongue its way into your ear, talking you out of doing what you know you should. Once in the interaction, automatically go for the bounce. Once in isolation, automatically go for the kiss and escalation. Remember that at all times you MUST take the right action.

You actions in the past have created your current reality. Your actions NOW determine your future. If you restrict your current possibilities and paths of action available at the current moment based on your past actions, you are letting your history control your destiny and you are essentially a ROBOT. Does that terrify you?

2. Fix the way you see women

Not as “hot” “cute” or “9s” and “10s” or “uggs “

Instead, address their inner mental world and humanize them. WHY do they act how they act? How do they see themselves? (Hint: it’s probably not as a “hot chick”)

It’s all too easy to get caught up in dissing girls with one breath and heaping unearned praise on them in the next.

“Why are girls so dumb. What a bitch.”

“She’s a goddess. What a stunner. High level.”

She’s most likely neither as angelic nor as demonic as you might imagine. Instead, she’s just human. She has the same organs as (but less testosterone than) you.

Realize the dangerous nature of dating a man. Everything she does is a balance between feeling danger and thrill from the man and feeling bored and too secure. Too far in either direction and she will either be afraid or sexually uninterested.

Realize that when she’s being bitchy, cold, rude, etc, it’s to minimize the physical harm that comes to her. Have some empathy about how hard it must be to be attracted to the thing which is the most dangerous thing in the world for her.

She knows she’s beautiful. Or, at least, she’s been told a lot already. Don’t compliment her on her appearance, especially not as an opener. Instead, talk to her as if you both already know what she looks like (because you do). Instead, try to “mine” for “gold” – something particularly unique or interesting that isn’t readily apparent to the naked eye. Or, barring that, at least something unique she has chosen, such as intricate nail art or an interesting plush keychain.

Finally, if you think the girl is stunningly beautiful, try to see her as simply human. Or if you really can’t hack it, just hide all the behaviors that chodes who idolize stunning women do. Here’s a few:

-Spamming invites

-Getting upset when the girls don’t make time to see you

-Taking selfies with them (yes, they know you just want to show off to your friends)

-Validating them on their appearance

-Validating them at all

-Trying to “buy” their time with gifts or promises

-Avoiding all risky or offensive topics

-Try to “linger” around and hope that means you will get her

In fact, it’s probably best to do the exact opposite of these things.

-Invite occasionally

-Ignore the ignore

-Let her take pictures if she wants

-Check to see if she lives up to her own and your standards

-Call her out on her shit (in a fun way)

-GIVE her your time (slightly begrudgingly)

-Dive right into the risky topics and moves

-Don’t linger, just pull

Finally, women shouldn’t be a stepping stone for your nefarious purposes. As much as possible, try to feel, enjoy, live, laugh, and love with them. If possible, try to leave girls better than you found them. Remember above all that you should be looking for AFFINITY rather than random hotness. Trust me when I say that sex with a stunning girl who has nothing on the inside gets old fast.

One last point about how you view women —

Guys who don’t get laid much like to talk smack about ugly girls. What if I told you, your desire to “bash” ugly girls is negatively correlated with your ability to hook hot girls? Why? Because they are two sides of the SAME coin. You are placing extreme emphasis on the physical appearance of the girl and using that as the main criteria by which you determine the value of a female human being. Physical beauty is qualifier, not a decision maker. In other words, if she meets a certain “beauty” threshold, you can investigate further (for affinity) before you make your decision. The key to getting the “next level” girls is to not see them as “next level” but simply as normal humans. Which, of course, you can’t do if you’re preoccupied with the physical characteristics of both uggos and stunners.

When girls (of all levels of beauty) notice that you’re out there pursuing your desires and assessing girls not only in terms of beauty but also in terms of affinity, the real 9s and 10s start to take notice and 6-8s become easy as pie.

3. Build Confidence through Competence

The goal moving forward is to build confidence through competence. Like Super Mario or other platformer games, you start off with a complete lack of confidence in your ability to complete the game. Naturally, with any new game you would be quite mad indeed to imagine you could win it completely on the first try without dying at least a few times.

Similarly, cultivate a long-term focus. Like Mario, you must learn the lay of the land, the mechanics of your character, how far you can jump, how to manipulate the controller, where the enemies and obstacles are positioned, and all manner of other variations.

You die a lot. The first time you play, you probably fall into the first pit and run straight into the first enemy. Nobody is born a genius.

Yet we keep playing the game. With each defeat, each stumble, you learn and gain competence.

If you throw yourself into cold approach, pretty soon you’ll realize that simply saying “hi” can open many girls. You build some competence around the open. Not long after that you might get some LINE numbers. Most of which, at this point, fall through, flake, or stop responding. This is normal.

In many sports, people talk about how the game “slows down.” This happens as your experience and competence builds and you start to recognize patterns. Humans, if nothing else, are supremely powerful computers for pattern recognition and learning. So at the beginning there are perhaps a million thoughts in your head:

“Don’t smile too much. Be seen before heard. Be conscious of your voice tone – breaking, deeper and louder than I’m used to. Don’t say something boring. Open with a simple statement or observation rather than a compliment. State your agenda and find out her logistics. Avoid “pattern” questions.”

Soon, through repetition (and nothing else), all these “lessons” and techniques start to sink in, and you’ll start to learn to recognize all the “patterns”:

“What do I do if she slips behind my back on approach? If she says ‘I don’t speak English’? If she asks me about my job? If she insults me on the open? If she says she has no LINE? If she doesn’t even hear me? If she compliments me on my Japanese?”

As your ability to recognize and correctly respond to patterns increases (again, through nothing but sheer experience in each situation — there are no shortcuts, except perhaps my book and coaching), you learn to roll with the flow more, improvise more, relax more, and let your personality shine through in a calibrated way. Your anxieties fade away and you are more present and responsive and you come across as more genuine and attractive. None of this can be accomplished without sustained practice.

At this point, something magical starts to happen. You start to see the fruits of your action:

Initially the fact that women do not actually run away and some do seem to, against all odds, be interested in talking to you.

Later, the fact that many of these women are interesting in sharing their contact information with you.

Later still, that many of these women will respond, come out to meet you, and follow you home like little ducklings.

As you see these results, the proof of your competence, your confidence starts to build. Soon you walk with more swagger, a pep in your step, a glint in your eye. And that’s when things really start to turn around. Ultimately, it’s your own belief in your ability to meet and attract women that actually ends up leading you to meet and attract women. If you don’t believe it possible for yourself you will make it impossible for yourself.

So, practically, where does that put us?

-Focus on GRADUAL improvement of skills through trial, error, and DEMONSTRATED performance. The action you take and results you get are PROOF for yourself and AMMO to destroy that inner wormtongue hater voice that is holding you back.  

-Confidence is domain-specific (although mastery in one area can bleed over some general confidence). Even if you are a high-powered CEO, it would be ridiculous to think that your confidence would spill over onto the tennis court, or into the world of Broadway. You need to build confidence in *this* domain – namely, dating.

-As you attract more women and demonstrate those skills to yourself and others, you will build momentum and your internal dialogue can begin to shift away from obsession with fixed characteristics and imagined failures, and move towards competence (I *can* talk to girls on the street. I *can* get their LINEs without too much effort. I *can* get them out on dates and hook up with them). Once you see yourself to be competent, the confidence starts to ooze from every atom of your body.