Picking up Girls in Japan – Updated 3/12/2017
I had no idea how to go about picking up girls in Japan when I first arrived. I stumbled upon a lot of old forum posts which contained a bunch of unnecessary, outdated, and/or badly organized information. What follows is a guide on picking up girls in Japan – nothing more, nothing less. It will help you achieve whatever your goals are – from getting laid in Japan for the first time, building a massive harem, or just getting a Japanese girlfriend. This is the resource I wish I had when I first started.
Before we dive into the nitty gritty technical aspects of picking up women in Japan, it’s important to give an overview of the major cultural differences between Japan and the West. If you’re like me, having grown up in the West (North America / Europe / Australia + NZ), you’ve been taught a certain narrative regarding proper dating practice, which generally goes something like this:
-Meet a girl through your social circle, work, hobbies, or some other shared context (aka NOT cold approach).
-Talk to her one (or often more) times before exchanging contact information.
-Schedule a coffee date (D2), chat for an hour or two
-Schedule a dinner date (D3), perhaps end it with a kiss.
-Around D4, both parties can reasonably expect things to escalate to sex if everything else has been going well up to that point.
Upon arrival in Japan, you may find it more difficult to create meaningful friend groups, meet large quantities of people (cute women included), and be baffled by the different dating “scripts” which often leave guys left in the cold after only one date.
Forget what you’ve heard about Japan’s prudishness and the “sexless society” – in the massive metropolis of Tokyo, life moves fast and both men and women whip through dating prospects at a dizzying rate. Often, one date is all you get – regardless of whether it went well or not. Japanese women are NOT strangers to sex, nor are they shy, virtuous creatures which demand lots of restraint. On the contrary – holding back and being a “respectful gentleman” often will just leave you on the sidelines as she’s getting pounded by the buzz-cut young forklift operator or spiky-haired and charismatic young salaryman.
Imagining you will arrive on these shores as a masculine god and blow away the competition offered by seemingly timid and sexually ambivalent Japanese men is simply a delusion. As a major metropolis where there is (despite what you may have heard) no shortage of available, successful, sexually aggressive Japanese men, the most attractive women – the cream of the crop – are overflowing with suitable dating matches. Simply put, you aren’t going to beat Japanese guys at their own game. You can, however, position yourself in a unique niche – a foreigner who is cool (unlike the hordes of neckbearded anime nerds they associate “foreigner” with), sexworthy, understands their world (again, the world that is NOT comic conventions and masturbating to hentai porn), and is aware of how to make them comfortable.
Western PUA Pickup Advice can Mess you Up
Western pickup materials like RSD also often miss the mark when it comes to picking up girls in Japan, giving misleading teachings which actually HURT you more than help you. While much of their mindset advice can be on point, some technical applications – while helpful in the West – are actually harmful if applied directly in Japan. Here are some examples of specific things Western pickup companies teach which will MESS YOU UP if you try them in Japan (or at least not be the best approach)
Western Game Idea:
Time is your friend. The more time you spend with a girl, the higher your chances are.
Actual Experience in Japan:
Taking your time more often than not will end up with the girl fading herself out or abruptly stopping contact without explanation. Instead, gun for the lay and add value after the fact to keep them around.
Western Game Idea:
Going for a hard stop on the street.
Actual Experience in Japan:
Hot, high quality girls will rarely, if ever, stop for you if you get in their way or upon the open. Instead, walk with them.
Western Game Idea:
Waiting until the club closes to pull the girl home. Hang around befriending everyone until you’re the one who is “going out the door” with the girl.
Actual Experience in Japan:
If you hold your dick for several hours in a Japanese club with a girl, chances are the interaction will stall out and when it comes time to leave the club, she’ll dart off into a train with her friends. Instead, pull hard before the club closes.
Western Game Idea:
”Banter” and “Neg” game
Actual Experience in Japan:
Don’t worry about back-and-forth banter or cutting witticisms which are often misconstrued as simply mean remarks. Enjoy each other’s company, share your world and learn about hers, and pull at the end.
Western Game Idea:
“Kino” escalate from the beginning
Actual Experience in Japan:
Touching the girl quickly and often will usually put her on the defensive. Personal space bubbles are smaller in Japan, but more rigid. There is no hugging culture, and body contact is minimal, even among friends and family. Save your overt kino escalation for when you are isolated with the girl.
Western Game Idea:
Sexualize the interaction.
Actual Experience in Japan:
While Japanese women are no strangers to sexuality, most people speak far less about sex to strangers in Japan. Insinuating sexuality over text, going for wink-wink-nudge-nudge type jokes, or eliciting sexual experiences often backfires in Japan, and you don’t need it at all. Focus on your own masculine polarity instead – voice tone, body language, leadership. Everything else will follow.
There are hundreds of other small examples but you get the point. Much of the pickup advice from the West should stay in the West – it simply does not apply. Other things, especially mindset related – such as abundance, momentum, self-improvement, taking action, reframing, etc, are still applicable. So take what you hear from Western sources with a huge grain of salt so you don’t get messed up when starting out in Japan.
If you’d like to hear my complete breakdown of pickup in Japan, check out this video:
Types of Japanese Girls
There are generally three types of women in Japan, and each of these groups have pretty rigid boundaries (though the odd exception might pop up here or there). Even girls under 20 generally have an idea of which type they will become and are in the “baby form” of that type until they evolve.. Like a.. Pokemon…. Yeah. Understanding this will help you greatly to hook up in Japan.
Type A: Middle to upper-class, will study hard in high school, go to a university, join a few circles and play some sports or a musical instrument, then graduate and join a Japanese company where they’ll become an OL (office lady). They generally speak some English, have black hair, and more plain/conservative clothing. More likely to look like an Asian “plain jane” and have basic hobbies and interests like Disney and K-pop. Sometimes they want to get married, but more recently they often simply want to continue their career. Most foreigners end up with this type of girl.
Type B: Beautiful lower to middle class girls will be lured away from University by (certain kinds of) opportunity. In high school, where the Type A girls are studying hard, Type B girls quickly realize they can get money, boys, and pretty much anything they want simply by the grace of their good looks. They tend to dye their hair, get nails and nice clothes, and most commonly end up working in beauty (hair/nails/makeup/aesthetic salons), fashion (retail/modeling), or nightlife (hostess/girls bar/prostitute). Since their reality is the farthest from foreigners, most foreigners without a deep understanding of their values and circumstance (as well as decent Japanese) have a harder time getting these kinds of girls. Similarly, many of these girls lack any deep interest in foreign things and have little English ability. Do NOT make the mistake in thinking these girls are “dumb”, however, as they are usually far more socially intelligent than the average guy.
Type C: Girls who have neither looks nor the impetus/ability to go to university end up working menial jobs like convenience stores, karaoke, izakayas, etc. We won’t spend much time talking about these girls, since most guys are interested in Types A or B; however, some guys just want a “normal girlfriend” and this type of girl can fit that mold as well.
Girls in the Type B category – those who never go to University (except perhaps a 専門学校, senmongakkou or two-year trade college), and thus often have little English ability/interest and not much experience with foreigners – generally fall into occupations where their attractiveness is the primary feature required. Since these are the most “alien” to newcomers to Japan (and also often the most attractive), we’ll spend a little time getting into their mindset, because understanding girls’ situations in life is key to relating to and winning them over.
Women in the top 15% of attractiveness are doted upon from their early teens. As we have already discussed, they receive constant validation and are incessantly badgered for their time, attention, and bodies by men (and women) around them who want various things from them, from modeling or working at their kyaba or girls bar, to sex. As such, we need to both understand what kind of men they associate with, as well as how to cut through the noise of other men and their lives to get them out on dates and sleep with them.
The “Big 5” topics for relating to ALL women work especially well with this group: Fashion, Entertainment (music, TV, celebrities), Relationships (platonic, romantic, and familial), Travel (within and outside of Japan), and Food. Are you taking notes?
The more you demonstrate an ability to fluently and interestingly ask, intuit, and expand on these topics and their application in Japan, the faster you will be able to relate to girls who may have no other interest in foreigners.
Personally, I find that good game is best cultivated in a wide variety of areas. If your game revolves around entirely one avenue of meeting women – whether it’s HUB or Online – you’re not likely to develop the strongest game possible. Rather, your game should consist of both “hunting” – picking up girls – and “gathering,” or cultivating a social circle. We’ll go over “hunting” first. Ignore the violent imagery that comes to mind with the word “hunt,” we simply mean going out into the world, finding women you didn’t previously know, and cold approaching them.
Hunting (Cold Approach)
When “hunting,” or picking up girls through cold approach, your results will often be directly correlated with your action. Make more approaches, get better results. Show me a guy who has made no approaches in the past month and I’ll show you a guy with a dry pipeline. Show me a guy who has made hundreds and I’ll show you a guy going on lots of dates and probably getting laid as well. That said, it is a lot of constant work.
The single most important thing to realize with cold approach is that men wrongly feel the need for a context to talk to women. Many beginners to cold approach spend tons of brainpower, worrying, and effort trying to make a context for their approach. The most common examples are asking for directions or asking to read a kanji. Another example might be pretending to patronize a store when in actuality you’re only there to talk to the girl. In reality, wanting to get to know the girl is a valid enough reason to talk to her – you need no other reason! If you feel like you are guilty of trying to fabricate some (any!) reason just to talk to the girl (or it’s later manifestations in needing a reason to bounce girls somewhere, or invite them out other than simply getting to know them better or talk more), you NEED to practice breaking this habit. Trust me, girls will appreciate your honesty.
Coincidences which throw two people together create a powerful context, so jump on it if the opportunity is there, however, don’t wait around for it or try to create some false context. If there’s a choice between approaching now or creating a context and then approaching, always approach now. The less apologetic you are about your approach, the more you will succeed.
Another way of thinking about this is as a sense of duty. It is your duty as a man to approach women who stir your loins. You need no context or “excuse” to approach. Society is based on men taking the lead, and those who can do this end up with the dime pieces, and those who sit on their ass waiting for women to come to them or be introduced to them when the stars align end up settling for mediocre partners. This is totally parallel to the business world – those who put themselves out there and aren’t afraid of rejection and (reasonable) risk are those who improve their lot in life and become wealthy. Those who are paralyzed by indecision and think rich people either were born rich or “got lucky” don’t realize that their mindset is what makes them poor.
Rejection and Mindset
Picking up girls through cold approach is a method fraught with rejection. Women reject you for all variety of reasons, many of which have nothing to do with you. Rejections are both personal and totally impersonal. In other words, girls may reject your approach because:
-They are genuinely busy
-You tried to come in under cover of an excuse or pretense
-They have a serious lover and aren’t looking for anything romantic from anyone
-Your approach had weak voice tone / body language
-They just got fired from their job and are in a bad mood and don’t want to talk to anyone
-You failed to bridge the distance between yourself as a foreigner and her as a Japanese girl
-And many more
As you can see, there are a TON of reasons why you might get rejected when picking up girls, and many have nothing to do with you. So there’s no point in beating yourself up about it. Look deep inside yourself and determine if you are horribly affected by rejections, and if so implement the following procedures:
-Mix your approaches between high stress, difficult venues and low stress, easy venues (more on that next)
-After any interaction, spend a couple minutes considering what you did well, what you did poorly, and what you could have done differently. Take the lesson or ideas you had and then TOTALLY FORGET THE REJECTION. Put it out of your head. I often come home thinking “Wow I didn’t even really approach today – just like 3 girls, and I SNL’d one of them!” In reality, if you had a camera on my back you would see me approaching a ton of girls throughout the day, but I simply quickly forget the rejections. The 3 girls I remembered are the ones who were both really my type and went well. In some sense, it is lying to yourself, but in another sense, it is taking control of your interpretation of the world. This is EXTREMELY powerful. If you find yourself burning out or getting worn down by rejection after rejection, try to use this tactic.
-Approach to enjoy yourself and share your world and learn hers, not to get a “success” or “failure”. -Set different criteria for yourself. Sometimes, approach with the sole goal of making her smile.
-Realize you are (or should be) after affinity, not sex with every girl. Therefore, some girls who are rejecting you are rejecting you because the two of you genuinely do not have affinity and would not be a good couple, no matter how hot she is. Both of you would be unhappy. This is doing you a favor. The more you can reverse this process and realize when girls aren’t going to have affinity with you first, the less you will feel rejected. Caveat – don’t use this as a “sour grapes” excuse when things aren’t going well. If you genuinely like a girl and she rejects you, own it. But if you didn’t like the girl and she doesn’t like you, smile and say goodbye.
-Always pat yourself on the back for action taken, not results received. If you take right action, your approach was a 100%. Right action means approaching women who really inspire you. Right action means going for the pull if you like the girl. “Wrong action” is coming up with excuses, blocking yourself, telling yourself you’ll do it later, stagnating in the interaction, settling for a LINE without trying for the SNL, and sometimes even banging a girl! Yes, even laying a girl can be “wrong action” if done from the wrong mindset.
-Never get bitter, lash out at girls, call them bitches, etc. Trust me, I know the temptation is there. I have done these things before myself. But it never helps you feel better and it pollutes the cold approach environment – the next time that girl gets cold approached, the less likely she is to open up. Remember, we live in a world with direct consequences on each other. It takes a strong man to smile and wave goodbye, totally unaffected by girls calling you kimoi or saying gaijin muri and giving you dirty looks. Hopefully, these tips give you a bunch of ideas on how to prevent rejection from mentally affecting you that much. At the end of the day, game is largely fought internally. You are trying to beat back your weak self which is full of excuses, rationalization, and negativity, and bring out your powerful, masculine self which is forged in right action, positivity, mutual respect, value, and fun.
So without further ado, let’s jump into the specific venues and strategies.
Picking up at International Parties (IPs)
International Parties are great for guys who are new to game, don’t speak great Japanese, and/or are looking to build up some confidence and momentum. At IPs, girls are preselected to be interested in foreigners, at least peripherally, so your work is considerably easier. The trade-off is often the quality of women aren’t here. In general, women interested in foreigners tend to be a mixture of rejects from Japanese society (think girls who didn’t get attention from Japanese guys in school – often due to certain physical “flaws” which aren’t valued in Japanese society, such as slim eyes or a large ass. This drives them to foreigners, who still often go for the “usui” or “Asian” look, as opposed to Japanese guys who like smaller faces and wider eyes) and regular middle/upper class girls. They are less likely to be in the “Type B” category we described earlier, and as such foreigners will have an easier time chatting them up.
In terms of IP strategy, float around the party talking casually to everyone. If there’s a girl you particularly like or think is down, stick to her like glue and try to pull her out of the venue after a short conversation (~15-20 minutes). If she doesn’t want to bounce (give it two or three casual but earnest tries), make a soft close (seed something to do next time, such as eat pizza or have a picnic at the park), then eject and continue working the venue. When the party is close to ending, go back to the girl you liked most and was most interested in you and try to bounce her somewhere right away for more drinks at (location closer to your house/a hotel). Realistically, IPs are pretty easy, so it shouldn’t be too hard to pull from them, you just have to have the balls to go for it unapologetically.
One big caveat with International Parties – don’t get too comfortable with them. They are the “kiddy pool” of game in Japan. If you consistently find really high quality girls who you have deep affinity with at IPs, then by all means keep going. Otherwise, build some momentum and get some regulars and shift your game to other, harder venues. If you get tired of constant rejections on the streets, head back to the occasional IP, but you should always be trying to improve and move into bigger pools. You never want to be the big fish in the small (kiddy) pool. If you aren’t growing, you’re stagnating – even if you’re getting laid. If there aren’t guys who are (considerably) better than you gaming wherever you are gaming, you are probably not pushing yourself hard enough. On the flip side, whenever you see someone doing really well, learn from them! You can learn from guys, even those who have no idea what they are doing (“naturals”).
Picking up Online in Japan
Tinder, Happn, Skout, Gyaruru, Pairs, Omiai, Language exchange sites, etc can be great ways for guys who have a lot of social anxiety or AA to fling out a ton of invitations and practice making small talk over text. On top of that, it’s a good way to spend time on long commutes or during a particularly stubborn defecation. In building a profile, you generally want it to be pretty minimal – avoid epic descriptions of your hobbies and what you’re looking for. Instead, let some mystery about you draw the girl in. Your profile pictures are of utmost importance in online game, so make sure to have good pictures – the best photos are taken by a professional or at least someone with a good camera and some basic touching up in Photoshop or Lightroom. Some good rules of thumb are:
-Have each of the following pictures:
(1) a great portrait (either looking at camera [smiling or not smiling] or off camera and not smiling. Avoid looking off camera and smiling, it looks creepy), (2) a hobby picture (showing you doing something awesome, like scuba diving, playing the guitar, etc), (3) a “I have Japanese friends” picture (can be with dudes, girls, or both, but probably not with only one girl).
-Less is more. Don’t have two portrait photos, two “fun hobby” pictures, or two travel photos (etc). If you can’t decide between two photos or don’t know if one is necessary, delete one. If you decide to include more than the basic three pictures I mentioned above, make sure each new photo tells a new story. Better to have too few than too many. I find that 3-4 pictures is enough, and 5 is too many.
On Tinder and other hook-up apps, you need to make your first message intriguing enough to catch her attention over all the other guys out there spamming her constantly. Try a few of these opening lines for starters:
“Hey can I ask you something strange?”
“Can I tell you something I’ve never told anyone before?”
“You seem like a girl who _____” ← Here, use something which will spark an emotional response, curiosity, or humor, such as “tries to hook up with your friends’ exes” or “has a history of shoplifting”
Once you’ve sparked a conversation, execute a “digital bounce” – move her over from the dating app to LINE, facebook, or texting. From there, you can send more media (pictures, for example), and it builds investment on her part. Proceed with your invite as usual.
PUA in Japanese Bars
After IPs and Online, Bars tend to be the easiest and least threatening venues for foreign guys. In bars, people are already preselected to be interested in, or at least expectant of socialization with strangers. For guys with a background and history of picking up girls in other countries, they may arrive and instantly think “Where are the good bars to pickup girls?” However, Japan doesn’t have a huge bar culture, so there aren’t a vast abundance of bars like there are in the West and it can be hard to do ONLY bar game because of this. However, HUB is a huge staple for a great many guys. It’s known as a foreigner bar and is a slight step up in difficulty from IPs with a similar crowd and occasional Japanese girls with no interest in foreigners wander in there to provide some added challenge. I can’t even count the amount of girl’s I’ve SNLd from HUB, so it’s important to remember that here (as well as clubs and IPs especially, and street as well) the SNL is the goal, and the phone number/LINE is plan B. Check for logistics, deal with the friend (either by pulling both the girl and her friend, or creating a situation where the girl can leave her friend), and go for the bounce. HUB is also a great place to pull pairs of girls with your wingman. If everybody is having a good time, it shouldn’t be that hard to bounce the girls to an isolated venue, whether it’s someone’s house or karaoke. Then you can either divide and conquer or bang them in plain sight of each other.
Personally, the HUB isn’t a destination in itself. If there are girls in there, go in there, chat all the ones you like up until you either go for the SNL or phone number, then head out and switch venues. Stagnation exists in all venues, so flow around, have fun, get in, get out, and approach everything you like.
Meeting Girls in Japanese Clubs
Clubs in Japan vary greatly in difficulty level and quality/interests of girls, and clubs open and close pretty much constantly. In general, the easier clubs are located in Roppongi, Nishi-Azabu, and Azabu-Juban. Harder clubs are in Shibuya. Older clubs in Ginza.
The general plan for clubs is similar to bars – go around spreading fun and good vibes, don’t let rejections affect your state (they will happen – and lots in Shibuya). Energy is the currency of the night, which means that energy (your vibe and mindset) is more important than content (your words). Energy itself doesn’t mean you have to be constantly super hyped-up, but rather a light, playful, casual vibe is often best. Most of the time, people aren’t going to hear what you have to say very well, so keep the verbal content minimal and generally nonsensical.
Once you get a girl or group that opens up (talks for >30 seconds), you want to bounce inside the venue. Take the girl to the bar, upstairs/downstairs, to the chillout section, dance floor – anywhere! Bounce her around a couple times like this, then bounce out of the venue.
Almost always, you will get some form of resistance. Girls will say “My stuff is in the locker” or “I can’t leave my friend.” However, this is NOT the girl saying no to leaving with you. Rather, imagine she is saying “I want to go but here is the problem. Can you solve it elegantly?” If you can solve her “problem” elegantly, more often than not (if you’ve done an otherwise good job at engaging her and being fun up until that point) she will leave with you. Often, solving this problem simply means thinking creatively and not being caught with your pants down. You should already have an idea of her logistics (who she’s here with, where she lives, what obligations she has, etc), and thus should have anticipated her problems before they even pop up.
Once outside the venue, jump in a taxi and give the driver your address (or a hotel – although they may be full on weekends after 1am).
With enough practice, this entire process becomes autopilot and you can really relax and just have fun and play with the energy of the girls. When you get to this level where you aren’t constantly worried about what to say, you will end up pulling a lot more girls home the same night. But if at any point they decide to run off to the bathroom or back to their friends, grab their number before they go.
Daygame: Street Nampa in Japan
For those who know me or who have been reading this blog for a while, you already know that I think street is king. Simply put, there is no venue or place in the world with a larger density of extremely attractive women in the world than the streets of major cities like Shinjuku, Shibuya, Namba, Shinsaibashi, Umeda, Ikebukuro, Nakasu, etc. On top of that, street is totally free and often the girls are alone, making it one step easier. The downside is that many guys get intimidated by doing cold approaches on the street. If that’s the case, it’s important to remember a few things:
-Street cold approach has a Japanese precedent – Nampa. You aren’t doing anything fundamentally foreign or unacceptable in society.
-Nobody watching really cares. They might look at you for a second, but then will totally forget and not mind, especially if you’re not touching the girl or being really aggressive.
-Girls themselves are used to it and many will LOVE you approaching them. Some won’t, and they’ll tell you that they don’t – no harm, no foul.
While I could (and AM) write an entire book on how to do street pickup in Japan, I’ll keep it to a minimum here and just cover the basics.
Street pickup has a somewhat steep learning curve and is a bit more “intellectual” than club game, for example. However, the massive flow of traffic makes it a lot easier to learn quickly. In general, your mission is to approach unapologetically in a way that builds comfort (discussed more towards the end), shares your world, finds out a bit about her world, then closes (either gets the LINE or goes for the SNL) before going on with your day.
1. Determine her Aura (energy level and mood), move quickly to catch up to her (decrease reaction time)
2. Match speed and energy level (try to get “on her wavelength”)
3. Approach, ideally after being seen (not from behind / out of sight)
4. Open (The content really doesn’t matter much. Avoid physical compliments and high-investment questions)
5. Transition into your agenda (What you are doing out today / your plans) and her agenda (checking her logistics)
6. Vibe (casual, fun conversation)
7. Decision time – does she have enough time to take it all the way tonight or not?
A.) Go for the SNL – pull the girl to the sex location
B.) Go for the LINE / phone # then excuse yourself – don’t overstay your welcome. Soft seed hanging out next time.
Nampa in Other Daygame Venues
There are a ton of other great daygame venues where you can try picking up girls. Cafes, department stores, train stations, trains themselves, bookstores, DVD rental stores, shopping malls, grocery stores, and convenience stores, are all great places, but most of these require a little more tact than the rapid-fire approaching which you need for street and clubs. The list goes on as creative as you can be. If you find street and clubs tiring, you can take breaks in many of these places. DVD stores are bountiful on weekend nights – picking up lonely girls with no plans other than watching a movie alone can be remarkably easy. Cafes are always full of girls, and while you have to be a bit more subtle (rapid-fire approaching might draw some ire from the shop staff), if you can position yourself near a cute girl, it’s often quite easy to spark up a conversation. The downside here is low volume. But if you already had some work to do or simply desire to rest your legs a bit, it can be great to pop into a cafe and see if there’s any cuties in there.
Trains are another venue where you can try picking up girls. Making sure to speak casually and calmly while not invading her space, you can often make enough of a connection to get the LINE and ensure her eager participation in a future date. You should, of course, determine when she will get off fairly quickly, so you aren’t caught by surprise before you can get her LINE. If it happens though, you can hop off the train and tell her to hold up a second, exchange lines, then jump on the next train.
Gathering (Cultivating A Social Circle)
Gathering, or cultivating, is the flip side of picking up girls through cold approach, and WAY less discussed in pickup material in general. Building a bountiful social circle is a whole nother game, requiring constant effort without direct correlation to the amount you get laid – but if done correctly, the results are nothing short of magical. You should view your social circle like building an investment, not picking up girls immediately for instant sex. In fact, it’s better to view it like you aren’t focused on picking up girls at all. Like a garden, you are building something that will take a lot of effort and time to mature before you can reap some of the rewards. Additionally, you want to harvest carefully lest you destroy the plant which provides.
I’m going to go through the basic process of building an epic social circle which provides you with value and women, and making sure you don’t destroy the evergreen plant which provides. For the purpose of this section, I’m going to imagine I’m moving to Tokyo for the first time ever and starting with no friends, but an interest in picking up girls and cultivating an epic social circle.
Build a Core
Cultivating should go hand in hand with cold approach. If, during your travels of cold approach, you meet cool, socially connected guys or girls, add them as friends. With girls this usually means NOT banging them even if the opportunity is there. A lot of gamers (especially those in sexual scarcity) will just smash every girl in their vicinity without any idea of the long-term benefits of having cute DJ girls or dancers as their friends. Other guys will get friend-zoned by these same girls and get used as customers, getting invited out by said DJs thinking it might help them hook up when in reality it’s just helping the DJ get paid.
Friend zone girls, don’t let yourself get friend zoned.
The first step towards a bountiful social circle is a core. Your core will be a group of guys and girls who are not necessarily directly connected, but who are all people you enjoy hanging out with, and who can provide value as well. Here are some criteria for core members:
1-Fun to hang out with
2-Similar interests (often one main shared interest, whether that’s camping, pickup, or even just drinking)
3-Mutual respect and value sharing (no parasites, nobody who doesn’t respect your time – those are WEEDS in your garden and must be removed)
4- (bonus) Well connected with lots of people in THEIR network
Finding Your Niche(s)
Most of the time, you will focus on one or a few niches. For example, some of my main hobbies are kickboxing / BJJ / MMA, psytrance, camping/outdoors, drinking, and pickup. The majority of my friends are interested in one or a few of these things. If I was just moving into Tokyo, I’d do some research to find communities where people whose interests are shared with mine gather. I’d join a kickboxing gym, search for psytrance communities on facebook and find events like MOTHER, Re:Birth, Labyrinth, etc, and check out the pickup scene in Tokyo, join forums and reach out to potential wings. In each of these niches, there will be a bunch of people, and from those you have to further evaluate which of those people meet your other criteria. For example, some people in those communities might be terribly boring or hard to get along with. Others might be constantly trying to take value without providing anything (borrowing money constantly, being overly negative, always asking things from you, etc). People who you bring into your core should treat you with respect, be full of positivity, and share value with you (and you should do all those things for them as well, and even more so!). You should focus the most of your energy on people in each niche who meet the 4 criteria best, and offer them lots of value. Examples of this are giving them things – in kickboxing this might be lending them some tape or holding mitts for them after class, in pickup this would be offering to hook up your wings with girls they like, or even just opening girls (simply opening is bringing value to the table), and so on. You should constantly be thinking “What can I offer this person? How can I help them out in a way that isn’t that hard for me to do?” If you do a lot of cold approach, you can offer to set guys up with girls or invite them to nomikais with a few chicks – guys who aren’t involved with pickup will be especially grateful for these kind of opportunities and will remember you for sure. Pay special attention to guys who seem to be something of a social kingpin – guys who are 顔が広い – have a wide social circle and a lot of contacts. People who tend to be in this category are: promoters, DJs, bartenders, dancers, party organizers, producers, people who work in TV/entertainment, venue owners, school club leaders, leaders of Facebook groups, etc. If you come across one of these types, seek to provide them with as much value as possible, on slow drip, over weeks and months.
Don’t Harvest the Core
Sleeping with girls often totally changes the relationship with them. If you have a girl in your core group, and she’s valuable to have there, it’s better to consider her ‘off limits’ (to you) and instead help hook her up with guys who are her type and she will do the same for you. Put simply, you want to hook up with the extremities, not the core. Hook up with the friends of friends of your core, NOT your core. If you have NO female friends of your choice (meaning – not just they are your friend because they turned you down and friend-zoned you), there’s a problem. You should be friends with women who are attractive and have the restraint to NOT hook up with them – for a greater purpose.
Position Yourself as a Social Hub
Once you know a bunch of people in one or more niches, you can start to position yourself as a leader. Be the guy who organizes events. Start a regular Friday after work pregame party or occasional fun parties – like fondue or tako-yaki parties. Coordinate with others to go in a group to cool events such as famous DJs or a cool mountain hike. Be the one who knows about all the events in that niche and reach out to the other members of those groups asking if they are going to X or Y. You should be a social hub, to the point where people are always messaging you for updates on what’s going on – upcoming events and activities.
At events, always make sure to touch base and have (at least) a short chat with people you know. Buy them a drink or help them out with something, then excuse yourself and flutter to the next flower. Introduce people to each other – especially those who you think might share interests or affinity. When you introduce them, make sure to include at least some interesting information about the other party rather than just a naked introduction. For example:
You: Alisa, this is Hana. Hana, Alisa.
You: Hey Alisa, this is Hana, she just climbed Mt Fuji last week! Hana, Alisa runs a weekly footsal club in Chiba!
In the second example, when you excuse yourself the two new acquaintances immediately have something to discuss and it will be less awkward for them. Trust me – people will notice and it will reflect well on you.
With your core members, you also need to nurture the relationships. Too long apart or without contact and your friendship will slowly fade out. Invite your core members out for drinks or food regularly and chat with them. With female core members, that means a platonic date!
Expand the Circle
Much of the expansion of your social circle will take place naturally – when your core members bring friends to events, and the friends bring friends. Sometimes, however, you can spark this a little. Host an event and tell your core members to bring a couple friends. If you meet someone out doing cold approach who seems like they would fit particularly well in one or two niches you have, or as a general friend, introduce them into your circle. Ultimately you should get to a place where you can introduce people who will share great affinity with each other – even more than either with you! Since I do a ridiculous amount of cold approach, I’m pretty often passing girls onto guys who might like them. Better believe this strengthens your relationships with everyone involved.
Control the Thirst
As I’ve already mentioned quite a bit, you must have self-control in your social circle. If you release yourself (or your pickup friends) into your social circle without any restraint, you will end up with a wolf in your chicken coop and no chickens. Be aware that at events with your social circle present, you aren’t going to behave in the same way as you would in a meat market nightclub as mentioned above. Be chill and social, not aggressively pulling for the SNL. Similarly, if you have friends heavily involved in pickup, realize that a lot of these guys don’t know how to “turn it off” and can spoil things for you. Be careful who you invite to group events – only bring those who can be cool and control their own thirst.
That said – some of the most fun parties I’ve ever had were regular “charai parties” where myself and a core group of my close pickup buddies and wings would invite 2-3 girls each then try to bang them at our nearby houses or in the bathroom at the party. The girls always have a blast and it’s surprisingly effective to get laid. On top of that, you’re hanging out with your wings and friends, which is already fun. Just be careful not to mix your social circle in these events – keep it charai dudes and fresh girls (generally from cold approach). These parties work well when you have a bunch of guys who hit cold approach HARD and have a bunch of contacts of girls who are a bit hesitant to come out for dates but will come out to parties. When you plan parties, make sure to decide if it’s going to be a charai party or a social party, and advise the guys (especially those involved in pickup) to act accordingly.
General Tips for Picking up Girls in Japan
Dealing with AMOGs
The first defense against AMOGs is to prevent them from even joining the interaction. If they just randomly decided to bust into your conversation, you must act quickly. You can respectfully but firmly tell the guy “Sorry, we’re having a conversation” then position your body / the girl in a way that he can’t easily get into the circle. If you have been chatting with the girl you can lean in close to her and whisper “Nice boyfriend…” “Who is this guy?” or “KY” with a roll of your eyes. If he keeps trying to get involved you can point around the venue and say “There’s lots of other girls, why don’t you try that one!” Usually doing these things is enough to get him to leave, but if he really wants to stay simply lock onto the girl – eye contact and talk directly to her. The one who monopolizes her attention will win. If you get caught up too much in the AMOGs frame, you will lose.
In situations where the guy is her actual friend, you often have to weather more punches. In any situation, but especially in clubs and bars, you might get some guys try to “AMOG” you or tool you, make you seem lame and inferior, and bring the focus back to themselves. In Japan, this is often done with questions and statements which seem harmless and possibly even helpful to you, such as:
-Wow, you’re so cool! Foreigners are so cool.
-I bet you get lots of girls
-Do you like Japanese girls?
Most of the time these conversation threads will end poorly for you, so simply throw out some nonsense, change the subject, and engage the girl. Once again, lock onto her for attention and somewhat ignore the dude. Often, this be enough to push him out of the interaction or at least leave him silent.
If you are in a social circle and the guy is also in the same social circle, do not use aggressive tactics like body blocking. Stay humble and cool, and focus on the girl. You could even use the guy – get him to buy the two of you drinks and give him 1000yen. You’re being nice but you’re also using him for your needs and buying some alone time with the girl.
Building Comfort in Japan
“Building comfort” was always a pickup idea I never really understood entirely. Like, does it mean giving the chick a pillow? It makes even less sense in Japan (at least the way Mystery and other game “godfathers” described it). It took me quite a while to realize that in Japan, building comfort is quite different from what you need to do in other countries where you are naturally aware of the language and customs. Building comfort in Japan means:
1. Speaking either in Japanese or CLEAR and slow English. A proper Japanese accent is important the more “Type B” (Japanese-y) the girls are – you don’t wanna sound like a FOB unless the girl already likes foreigners – and then you probably don’t need much help from this guide anyway!
2. Showing you understand the girl’s current mindstate. This relates directly to reading and synching with her aura – making sure you realize when she’s feeling nervous or uncomfortable. If you’re standing too close or pushing too hard for her to answer questions she isn’t comfortable with yet, do you realize that and take a step back? If she’s totally comfortable to the point of being unchallenged and bored, do you kick it up a notch and demand some investment? This gets easier with time (as does everything).
3. Showing you understand the girl’s world. Here, think fashion, nails, life in Japan, worries, stress, values, etc. Do you understand what it means to be an attractive girl with X interests in Y profession? What are the rigors of her daily life? What does she worry about? Hope for? You should understand her as much or more than the average Japanese dude.
4. Realizing when “Gaijin smash” helps you and when it’s simply KY. As a foreigner you get a free pass on slight misbehavior and faux pas in Japan. Use it too often and you become a wild typical gaijin who she can’t relate to. Use it too little or without confidence and you might be on the receiving end of some lectures that begin with “In Japan, you can’t ____” or “Japanese people don’t ____.” 95% of the time you hear this, it’s bullshit. Still, when you break or bend the rules, you should be doing it on purpose, not due to ignorance. Be aware of cultural norms and then break them when it suits your needs and doesn’t damage the interaction that much. The girl will fall into your frame.
Gunning for Sex
You may have noticed by now that a lot of the advice given here revolves around moving things towards sex as soon as possible. “But I thought Japanese girls were pure and asexual!!!” Hahahahahaha. Hahaha. Ha. No.
In a huge metropolis like Tokyo, most girls will meet a guy only once – no matter how well it went. You are competing with a LOT of very successful and attractive guys. For most girls, despite what they say, sex isn’t that big of a deal, but meeting again IS. Many guys (especially from mainland European countries) think of themselves as “romantics” who want a more traditional dating pattern as I set out at the beginning of this post. You are welcome to try this and experiment, but in my experience (especially the more Type B and hotter girls you are dating), most women will simply not meet you again EVEN IF THEY LIKE YOU. When you combine this with the fact that you started out picking up the girl from cold approach, she is even LESS invested and more likely to “ghost” you. Having sex with them sooner increases the return rate, and it’s a blast, so might as well go for it ASAP. That said, don’t be weirdly needy or pushy for it. Just be a cool dude who moves things forward in a fun and casual way, and she’ll love you for it. If you feel like this isn’t you or you aren’t comfortable with it, practice going for it. On your approaches, go for the direct home-bounce or hotel bounce. On dates after dinner, walk straight to your house confidently. The first time you do it you will probably be really nervous, intimidated, and think the girl will be shocked and run away. And she might. But every time you do it, as you internalize the normality of pulling girls the same day, you will get more and more success and realize that it was mostly your framing and mindstate which prevented it before – nothing about the girl herself.
One way to keep yourself honest with this is to
treat every interaction as if it were the last time you will see her
Motivation and Momentum
The single biggest factor in guys’ success with picking up girls is if they can make their minds work for them rather than against them. Maintain a positive outlook while gaming, and if you catch yourself going straight home to watch some TV or play video games after work every day, switch it up with some action-based goals for pickup. You WILL improve, and once the momentum is in your favor it can really snowball and you can end up with an absolutely bonkers sex life. If you make approaching and being more social a habit which you look forward to and enjoy, you can go really far with this. At the beginning make sure to reward yourself based on the action you take – every time you take action, you should feel AWESOME. If you have trouble taking action, hold yourself accountable with a mission, or by doing something like giving your friend 10,000 yen, and you get 1,000 yen back every time you approach. Make sure to take the small wins and focus on improvement within yourself rather than comparing yourself to others. Others’ levels of success should be used to inspire you, not beat yourself up and worry about why you’re not there. Build a network of guys who are down to go out a lot, and if you don’t know how to find that, check out The Playbook – Japan’s most active pickup forum. There is a TON of content on there that is simply golden, and you’ll get feedback, motivation, tips, and advice from a lot of guys who are out there totally crushing it at game.
The biggest thing is to make your mind work for you. Get out there, get approaching, increase the difficulty level of girls you go after as well as venues, try to connect more deeply on real values while still maintaining that light, fun vibe, and you will have massive abundance soon enough!
I hope this gave you some ideas and inspiration! Ask any questions or post observations of your own experiences in the comments below! I always respond. Cheers!