Upon reaching age 18, girls in Japan are taken into a secret room behind a false purikura booth. Various female government officials working for a little-known sector of the government known as the “Female Education Initiative” take them through a series of trainings designed to craft a modern Japanese girl (shorthand: Jgirl). This is the handbook they use.
The Japanese Girl Training Handbook
If thou possess large breasts, thou shalt make them look smaller or disguise them using constricting bras and/or baggy tops. If thou possess small breasts, thou shalt do everything within your means to make them seem larger including but not limited to pushup bras, inches and inches of padding, and clever camera angles.
Thou shalt be a master of purikura, Snow, and various phone picture editing applications which make your eyes bigger, your skin clearer, and adds between 1-3 “points” to your attractiveness score.
Thou shalt wash regularly and smell nice constantly.
Thou shalt not go out on rainy days if thou is of higher-than-average attractiveness. Rain will melt you.
Thou shalt hang out with at least one friend who nobody likes and who will cockblock any guy, even if you like him.
Thou shalt take many pictures and make peace signs and/or partially obscure your face
If thou weareth glasses, thou shalt place some hair on the inside of the glasses for the sultry secretary look.
Thou shalt pick from one of the following general visual styles and dress and act in accordance with the rules laid out henceforth.
Changing of types requires an application form, and notice to everyone that you have 卒業した’d
BB – The “Basic Bitch”
Thou shalt shop mainly at H&M and Forever 21, with a smattering of other similar shops. Zara is acceptable. Datura is not.
Thou shalt enjoy cafes and seasonal Starbucks beverages, cakes and pastries, and generally just lots of carbs.
Thou shalt date kind and clean Japanese boys and walk with them in parks.
English is tolerated, and even sorta cool. But probably just from a distance. You can date foreigners but let’s be real you’ll marry a J boy in the end.
Did we mention to eat cakes and take pictures of them. Use filters and post them everywhere.
Thou shalt wear converse or trainers, jeans or unflattering trousers, and little makeup.
Thou shalt not burikko.
Thou shalt be interested in sports, art, and music more than boys.
English is tolerated.
Thou shalt wear short heels, stockings, a pencil skirt, and a black blazer.
Thou shalt not wear too much makeup or extreme nails.
Thou shalt show interest in Paris, London, and Hawaii.
Thou shalt study for and take TOEIC, but probably still not have great English.
Thou shalt work in a sales, real estate, PR, or other social office position.
Thou shalt carry classy leather bags, wear heels, do your nails, and have light brown hair, yet be more “serious” than gyaru and be seen in more wine bars than izakayas.
Thou shalt make attempts to learn English, but not too much.
Thou shalt not go to University.
Thou shalt become one of the following: apparel shop worker, nailist, eyelist, kyabakura/hostess, prostitute, or magazine model.
Thou shalt have an affinity for older salarymen and brick-faced construction kuns.
Thou shalt shop at 109, Lumine EST, and shops like Rady, Rienda, Garula, Datura, and d.i.a.
Thou shalt flee from the English language unless thou art over 26 years of age.
Thou shalt own a small dog.
Thou shalt attend international parties, go to Roppongi or HUB, and other venues where foreigners are known to frequent.
Thou shalt lead with English and express reluctance to use Japanese.
Thou shalt express disinterest towards Japanese men and Japanese culture in general (the feeling is mutual).
Thou shalt study abroad in Australia or Canada.
Thou shalt have black hair and plain fashion style with minimal makeup.
Thou shalt have lower than average attractiveness.
Thou shalt only date foreign men.
Thou shalt spell your full name on LINE in romaji.
Thou shalt be slightly older and most likely baby-crazy.
Thou shalt go to clubs only when on your period.
Thou shalt use the following expressions at a pace of approximately 1 per minute minimum: うそぉー！そうなんだ！まじ？本当に？かわいい！うける！マジうけんだけど！いいなー！
Thou shalt have or want a small face and relatively short stature, and be constantly considering a diet.
Acceptable LINE profile pictures:
-Purikura / SNOW filter (dog, bunny, or cat are safe choices)
-Your actual dog
-Random anime character (also extends to things like My Melody or Sanrio characters)
-Your face, partially obstructed or cropped
-You and a friend (bonus points if you make it hard to tell which is you)
-A cake / pastry / hot beverage
Nothing else will be tolerated. NO normal pictures.
Thou shalt flake. Regularly. Similar to video games, flaking more increases your score so do it frequently to unlock special characters and skins. Ideally do it in a way to keep the guy interested and giving you occasional validation and keep your internal sense of popularity and desirability.
Thou shalt answer one but not all questions in a text message, especially if one question is an invite. Answering invites is always optional. To avoid invites, see the “excuses and objections” section.
Thou shalt cancel dates with any guys who don’t keep in constant contact.
Thou shalt drink cassis orange.
Excuses and Objections
Ways to get out of dates (while still keeping the appearance of cordiality):
バイト入っちゃった (I have my part time job) *bonus points for super last-minute sudden part time job shifts
仕事だから無理や (I have work, sorry) *can still be used even if your work ends at a normal time, such as 6pm, and the invite isn’t until 8pm. No need to clarify or explain, if you have work at all it can be seen as lasting the entire 24 hours of the day.
雨 (rain) *while it might seem like an umbrella could be used, don’t be absurd. Rain will burn you or melt you or something so cancel your plans. You have been warned.
風邪 (I have a cold) *Colds are great because they happen and nobody can prove you wrong. When you do inevitably go out to do something else, don’t post pictures on your LINE timeline to maintain the ruse.
入院しちゃった ( ~ is in the hospital) *tip – it doesn’t even have to be you. It could be your aunt, your grandmother, or even your dog.
今月いっぱい！ (I’m busy this month / How about next month) *Alternatively, you can set up a date several weeks in advance, then use another of these excuses! Brilliant! Keep shifting things around so guys don’t get wise to your schemes.
Simply don’t show up *note this strategy is risky, as it will irritate the guy and thereby cut off some validation from him. But it’s fine because if he yells at you over text you can just block him and pretend you didn’t waste somebody’s night.
Ways to make sure you don’t get laid on dates (even if you may want to):
-Bring a friend
-Move the date somewhere random and farther away from either of your houses or any hotels for no particularly good reason
-Have a early last train and don’t divulge this vital information
-Be on your period
-Explain that this is Japan. People don’t do this in Japan.
-Wear multiple layers and strange belts / tights / jeans.
Other sections of the J Girl handbook were not recovered. However, we hope they will soon be retrieved for the education of mankind. Stand by for more.