Creating boundaries is a hugely important part of game. People in a mode of sexual scarcity will often tolerate bad behavior and otherwise put up with a bunch of shit to get the fulfillment of their sexual needs they crave. In the process though, this might be undermining their self-worth.
There’s a distinct difference between having thick skin and persisting in the face of opposition, and tolerating simply unacceptable behavior. Tolerating her unacceptable behavior shows the girl and yourself that you have no boundaries and are willing to sell out for the pussy! Some girls may test you to see if you can create boundaries or if they’ll just be able to walk all over you.
I met a girl a while back on the street in Omotesando, got her out on the date, and banged her at my house. We didn’t see each other for a couple weeks before scheduling the second date. When the time came, she replied normally the days leading up to the date, but the day of she went totally quiet and eventually didn’t show up. Had this been a first date, I’d be a bit annoyed, but at least understand to some degree. However, this was the second date, after we had already gotten to know each other and had sex, and I thought this was poor behavior.
I messaged her along the lines of:
“If you’re not going to come, you can send a message saying so and I won’t be mad. But simply not showing up isn’t good behavior. If you feel like you want to apologize, bring a cheesecake to our next date. Otherwise, we don’t have to meet again.”
She replied with an apology, and agreed to bring the cake. She came over for the date, gave me the cheesecake (handmade and delicious!), and we got down to business right away. Setting boundaries that show self-worth to yourself and the girl are crucial for building yourself as a man, and they’re also more attractive to girls! Some girls will keep pushing the line to see where you draw a hard no, and they want to be told they’ve crossed the line with you.
I’ve had plenty of other cases where a girl will ignore invites, dotakyan, flake, etc., but in the end came out and we had a great date and started a relationship. Drawing boundaries and ultimatums TOO soon can push girls away. Generally speaking, the stronger the interaction and higher the level of investment the girl has in you, the more boundaries you can draw (with her simply accepting them and staying with you).
I persist in these cases because the flake/dotakyan isn’t personal – there might be tons of reasons why she doesn’t come out, and she doesn’t really owe me anything since we’ve likely had just a short conversation and little more. As time passes in the relationship, both parties care a bit more about each other and should be putting more effort into it.
The next example is a little different. Some people, despite showing up and being your type sexually, aren’t adding anything positive to the relationship.
I met HB TrapQueen at a festival in Yoyogi. I saw her wandering around with her friend looking at the food options, and she was my type – blonde with a nice ass, b-kei style, and skin showing! I struck up a conversation and everything was going well when I commented about her lipstick rubbing off on the bottle of her drink. Her friend mentioned that Chanel lipstick doesn’t rub off and Trap turns to me and asks me to buy her the Chanel lipstick! I laughed it off because we just met, and I assumed it was a joke. Over text, she tries to convince me to take her out to a nice restaurant for our date, and says she’ll dress up if I do. I joke with her about taking her to matsuya instead.
On the date, she keeps dropping the same kind of “buy me X” comments, but I’m mostly just ignoring them. My suspicions are raised, but we finish dinner and I take her home and have sex with her. The relationship went on for a few more months, but she never stopped asking me for things or to take her out places. She also occasionally made negative comments about me or my body (she’s very image-conscious and constantly tanning and in the gym). I paid for our dinner dates and most things when we were together, but she refused to dance for me (she was a gogo dancer). One day she left a toothbrush in my bathroom without asking, and I threw it away. We had a fight, and I cut her off. She raged, wanted to come back, agreed not to put the toothbrush in my bathroom, etc, but by that point it was too late. It was clear she was focused on getting what she could from the relationship without really providing anything – even the things she could provide for free, like dancing!
Sometimes you can spot these people a long way away, like in this case. Other times, they’re very subtle. I screen girls constantly for the values I’m looking for, and tend to reward 癒し系 girls and behavior like tidying up without being asked, bringing things they know I need like hand soap or medicine when I’m sick, etc. The question for me is, are they trying to maintain the relationship through nourishment, positivity, and support? Do they try to push me off of my mission and path in life (telling me not to hangout with my friends / to skip the gym and go out with them / etc)? People like these are a drain to have in your life, and need to be cut out or minimized. “Energy vampires” and such people can be taxing and deter you from being your best self. These can be girls, as in this example, or they can even be among your friends. When you hang out with a certain person, do you feel positive about yourself and them, and do you feel like both parties are giving to the relationship or not?
Some people are only in it for themselves and to spread negativity and doubt even as your friend. Cutting these people from your life increases your own self-worth and value, and you will start to attract people who are looking for the same thing as you – namely, mutually beneficial relationships.
The third example is a girl who I’ll call HB KimJungIl. I met Kim on the street during Halloween. For the date, she took a taxi from Chiba to Shibuya (must be at least 20,000yen) because of the rain, but then didn’t even bring an umbrella, and didn’t really seem to care that it was raining on her. We went to the date, had a very memorable date where she said lots of crazy things, including espousing the virtues of Kim Jung Il, and at the end she paid for everything. She came back to my house, didn’t want to have sex, but spent the night. The next time I met her we had sex, and we saw each other for a long time after that.
As a high-end hostess, she took me to lots of expensive dates, from sushi to wagyu steak on a sunset Tokyo bay cruise and even a helicopter ride. I found her hilarious and really enjoyed talking to her and struggling to keep up with her blazing fast Japanese. But as much fun as I was having with her on these dates, I only had sex with her every few dates, whereas with the other girls I was seeing I’d want to have sex pretty much constantly. She had been raped at a young age, and was reluctant to show any sexual desire, but following the date would send me messages like “Why didnt we have sex!! (angry face)”. Her reluctance and lack of ability to be sexual in the moment led to me not wanting to try, despite my otherwise massive sexual appetite. This culminated about 9 months into the relationship when I sensed she was starting to really like me in a serious romantic way, and hinting at making a trip back to the US with me. I told her I wasn’t really sexually attracted to her and I liked her as just a friend. She cried and we talked a lot, with me explaining that I really value sexual girls and I want to be with a girl who puts effort into having sex and enjoys it a lot. She still sends me messages and asks me why I’m not trying to pull her more and get her out more.
We’ve seen in examples 1 and 2 a more male-focused setting of boundaries to avoid bad treatment. In this case, I wanted to continue seeing her because she’s a genuine friend. However, I sensed that, were this relationship to continue, it would cause her a lot of pain. Setting boundaries is also about the girl. As guys who go out, attract, and have sexual relationships with lots of girls, we have an obligation to not crush too many hearts. I don’t like making promises I can’t keep, so rather than tell a girl she’s my girlfriend or that I love her, I’m more likely to think about her side of things and cut her off if it’s getting too hot and heavy for her, and all signs point to a large emotional collapse. Keep in mind that girls also have a much more limited shelf life than us, so the more time they spend messing around with us is less time they have to find a serious partner to settle down with. This doesn’t stop me from messing around and pulling girls, but the endgame of each relationship and how and when to take care of it is definitely something to have in your playbook.